CW: graphic description of illness/sickness/mental health
I want to share what happened to me. I haven’t told many people because this was terrifying, life changing and almost life ending. It all happened so fast.
I woke up and couldn’t take a full breath and had sharp stabbing pains in my left side. My friend rushed me to the ER at UWMC where the nurses thought I had a kidney stone. I felt like I was being stabbed from the inside out - 20 out of 10 pain. I was screaming in pain but also apologizing for not being a nice lady - “Sorry, I’m not usually mean. I’m usually a nice lady.” (my internalized misogyny knows no bounds).
This is a weird aside but doctors kept saying I look “great” and my skin looks “real good” while trying to diagnose me. It seemed like they thought I was lying about my pain. Stop saying that! I just have this fucking skin AND I am choking to death.
After x-rays and ct scans the team determined that my entire left lung collapsed due to a complex pleural effusion with trapped lung empyema. They didn’t know how significant the pleural effusion was so they inserted a chest tube hoping the infection would come out. They had a student try to put the tube in twice at my bedside but it was so painful they had to do it while I was knocked out. Note to self: never allow someone to put a tube in your lung while awake.
Not enough of the pus and infected “juice” (my word not theirs) came out of the chest tube so I needed surgery, a thoracotomy for a complete decortication to remove all the gross pus etc in my pleural space. Google “thoracotomy full decortication” because it is too scary for me to write about.
In regular words here’s the theory because we don’t know 100% what caused this - I had pneumonia (most likely) that somehow turned into a bacterial infection (they have a hunch) that permeated the walls of my lungs into the pleural space outside of my lungs and then got hella infected over two months or more. The pus was so thick that it made my left lung and part of my right lung collapse.
One of the Residents told me: I had a “butt pimple” on the outside of my lung. A fuckin’ butt pimple!… on my fuckin lung!…I was today years old when I realized there are 30 year-old doctors that use the term butt pimple to describe ailments that are not butt pimples.
I had my back and rib cage opened, one of my ribs shaved off, the outside of my lungs scraped off and put back in, then three chest tubes put between my ribs. Needless to say, I have a 12 inch scar on my back and 3 holes on my sides.
I almost gave up hope because my mental health was bad. I was fighting not to be seduced by my depression and keep my spirit up. I was isolated (because they thought I had TB) and couldn’t have visitors for most of the time I was in the hospital - alone and in pain.
I tried to get help I went to the ER a week earlier via ambulance and they said I had a stomach bug; I went to Urgent Care at UW, and Dr Larry Jones said I had a musculoskeletal issue (in part because my skin was nice) he referred me to physical therapy and to wait two weeks. He didn’t even listen to my lungs with that fucking stethascope! WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE! If he pressed that stethoscope against my back he would have heard silence, because my lung collapsed. He didn’t listen to my lungs or me.
I had to contend with my mortality and it fuckin sucked. Telling myself “you are not alone” in the pain when I WAS alone. Challenging myself to stay away from negativity and holding myself in love and care seemed impossible. How do you take care of yourself when you feel broken and sick and weak? The nurses and aids had to do everything for me, everything...everything! I could barely walk or hold my weight. Buddha bless the nurses, even the mean ones.
I didn’t want to muscle through this or be dragged through it by apologizing for myself and my pain (like I have always done). I wanted to stay with myself in love and remember that no matter what happens I will not abandon myself and be someone else. I didn’t want to flex and say “do it” or shrink and hide. I wanted to go with it--the surgery, the pain, the recovery, my life, willingly.
The last five years have been so fucking hard - sometimes it feels like I’ve lost everything I had ever wanted - I just needed to start over, and I will do it again and again if I have to.
I’m a single mom (emphasis on single), so trying to find childcare while in this condition was another level of fear. Thankfully my friend and fellow single mom, Valeria Lopez, cared for my children without a second thought. Once again she pulled up and showed up (shes done this my whole life). My mom and my friend, Kate Boyd, helped keep some normalcy and took care of my kids. Two weeks is the longest I’ve ever been away from them and it felt like it.
When depression slinks into my brain again, and she will, I can no longer tell myself that I am permanently damaged and unlovable - because that is a lie that I’ve held onto for too long. My therapist asked me once, “how committed are you to that narrative?” I can say for certain, not committed at all.
Today, I am home recovering, trying to practice deep breathing and praying I don’t get sick again. I had to cancel all my shows to heal. I made it through this with the help of my friends and I love all of you.
Keep my kids and me in your heart. I love you - I love you - I love you. One day soon I want to make you laugh.
Always,
Dewa
P.S. No - this didn’t happen because I smoked pot. Actually, I was told my lungs look “hella good” which is literally the worst thing you can tell a stoner, it’s like a blessing (lol) - the doctor held my lungs and said “these are some dope lungs” (jkjk)… but seriously it will be a long time before you see me smoke anything. I am now like “for real for real” sober - I might eat an edible but it can’t be homemade - because people are way to liberal with them home made “treats”.
P.P.S - While in the hospital I’ve consumed some media. Here are my faves:
All About Love - bell hooks (book)
Toxic - the britney spears podcast (many ppl dont know what a Britney stan I am) - Tess Barker and Babs Grey (Lucky is my karaoke song)
To Live and Die in LA season 2 (podcast) drop that ep 9 already!!!
Gunpowder Milkshake (netflix) Tara and Vinnie for putting me on to this.
Classical Music for Sleeping (Spotify playlist)
Get up 10 - Cardi B (Spotify)
Drawn - Tig Nataro stand up special (my youngest loves Tig) (hbo max)
Girl Daddy - Beth Stelling (hbo max)
Ocean Eyes & Everything I Wanted - Billie Eilish (spotify) i’m a emo sap at heart and sang Everything I Wanted to myself when I was scared.
I’m a Woman - Koko Taylor (Spotify) thanks to kPiper Carling for sending me this song.
Thoracotomy with decortication scar